Oh, my god. Oh my god, it’s happening it’s happening. This is not a drill! Everybody calm down. I said calm down. It’s not a drill. Calm down me close the door bill bill. What the heck is that okay, you’re in it, that the man took the lights off dingbat, they can’t know we, you live here. You clean this on every corner of it. What about the sofa? Did you throw it? Did you break its neck? Hi everybody how’s it going today is September for a KA the worst day of the year, it’s the first day of university.
No longer am i a pesky high school student, I’m officially, a victim of capitalism Cheers oh yeah, as I said before, today is the first day of a new routine, I’m studying physics, my courses, this semester are calculus, algebra physics and chemistry. It’s 8:00 a.m. right. Now. My classes start at 9:30 and then I have calculus first period from 9:30 to 10:30 and then an hour free, which I’m claiming y’all needed lunch in, because you know I’m gonna be ravenous by then and then have three hours of just growing time. If you know what I mean, chemistry, physics and algebra, one after the other execution-style, no breaks no time to breathe, put your head down and eat your textbook. That’s my mindset going into this next thing I wanted to talk about. Is that my outfit last year, for the first day of school, I dressed in all black to mourn the loss of summer this year? I’m here to make a statement. This entire number is from the one the only Orencia actually did. You know that a ritzy experienced six figure growth in 2019 I’ll be expecting my check in the mail soon these shorts. I bought them in four different colors, this top and covering my nipples, because I’m not wearing a bra on this jacket before vegan Twitter attacks. Me calm your meatless titties, it’s sustainable on my feet. What I’m wearing? Okay, I’m kidding, I’m not that insane! So as much as I’d love to walk in those to school and just blow everybody away, I feel like I would be doing a disservice to them and I don’t want to be that intimidating on the first day I’ll leave that to the second week. So, as I mentioned before now I’m going to make my lunch, I refuse to eat the food court lunch there if you’re wondering whether or no I’m excited for University. Honestly, yes, I’m very excited – I am so done with high school. Well, I was done, and I still am. I guess I finally get to take courses that I actually you know give up about long gone are the days of history, English and French class. I mean nothing wrong with those classes. Is just there’s everything wrong with those classes but anyways, it’s so funny.
Whenever someone asks me what course I’m taking – and I tell them that I’m taking physics, they always react as if I’ve just told them that I’m planning on exploding the planet in a couple days. I know the choice that I need and you don’t need to tell me that it’s gonna be hard, because I know it’s gonna be hard. That’s what they told me before grade six, that’s what they told me before middle school. That’s what they told me before high school, and I’m still here I mean I left my sanity back in like the third grade. So if someone’s found it, please mail it back to me, but if we’re wondering what dish I’m summoning from the depths of hell straight out of the pit of Tartarus. I think I’m honestly getting addicted to cheese and it’s not good, there’s like five different types of cheese in my fridge right now. That’s an exaggeration. I wish okay I’ll see you guys in a bit only up to University and letting the dogs out. If you know what I mean anyways I’ll see you guys, are you tired of having a hormonal high school student mope around your home? What about that homework that they never seem to shut up about? Are you worried that your high school student will take fun? Colored pills at a house party aka, a mosh pit of other high school students, get lost and never come home. Well, if that sounds like you, we have something to cure your headaches. Introducing the undergrad student 2.0. This product is smarter than our previous design. The undergrad student 1.1, which was notorious for leading things to the last minute we have incorporated features like existential dread, adult and premature alcoholism, to keep you on your toes. The undergrad student 2.0 is available online for a limited time only at the low low price of screw. Your bank account, but wait there’s more if you call the number on your screen right now in two free bottles of midterm stress for you to use on your grad student. If you feel, like things, aren’t hectic enough call the number on your screen today terms and conditions, don’t apply, see the dark web for details. Okay, where were we? Oh right? Hell is upon us so on this fine September morning I was fortunate enough to be granted a ride to prison by my dad Kim stop taking selfies I’m going to jail. It was still ridiculously early, but that’s the way I like it. I wanted to be the first one on campus to get a lay of the land and scope out escape routes. Potential sniper, hideouts, trapdoors, booby traps, poison ivy.
I was the first one there, the food courts silence. You could hear a pin drop. The time had come. It was 9:20 a.m. and I was off to my classes now. Obviously I didn’t film in class because I was not about to get expelled on the first day, so instead I’m just gonna reenact. My experiences now big disclaimer in case my university is watching this. I liked all my teachers, or, shall I say, professors they’re, clearly all very good at what they do and have been nothing but incredible since I’ve started at this University. Oh, be greatly appreciated. If you could find some sympathy in your little yet scary heart, maybe not kick me out for doing this Thanks. So with that being said, my first taste of university classes came through the course of calculus. Calculus is one of my favorite classes in high school, and I was excited for this class. The professor he had a thick Italian accent and spent the first 10 minutes of class telling us why socialism is bad and then, when he was done with that, the topic was tennis. This was honestly very appreciated on my part, because after 18 years on this planet, I have yet to understand the game of tennis. All I know about tennis is Serena Williams. That’s it. Unfortunately, though, I applaud his effort, but I still don’t understand it. So I just got back from calculus, I have to say I like the class, I’m also absolutely appalled by the number of Nike Air Force ones around me, but anyways right now. I’m eating lunch meeting, my bootleg mac and cheese and honestly it didn’t come out, but it looks like a carpet of spaghetti. Next, we have Kevin physics and algebra well, go from there anyways Bon Appetit, it was barely 11 a.m. I had tied lots of it. So I watched Dance Moms, it’s horrible highlights the worst of humanity: hey I’ll fall for it, I’ll watch it back to classes off to chemistry, went nothing of real importance happened in this class, except that the professor was a very nice lady and the class had a Whopping 300 students, so she had to use no, not a lapel microphone, a mini microphone. I was practically jumping out of my seat when I saw that thing it’s like this class was meant. For me. The only other important thing about this class is that every other week we have labs, so I’m just putting it out there as a warning to the rest of humanity that you should expect lots of explosions rocking your world sometime soon, courtesy of yours. Truly, it was time for my favorite class of all-time physics. I practically ran into this class. It’s the reason why I’m on the campus to begin with, let me tell you this is a very good class.
The professor is really good. Everything he says, makes ends and he’s super helpful. He also wears monochromatic outfits every single day, which is cool and stuff respect the crayon the highlight of the class is when he said, and I quote: if you refuse to use vectors to do physics, it’s probably because you ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. The final class of the day was algebra. This class was all right, not my favorite subject, but I will gladly sit through it. Instead of social studies, the teacher was a very sweet lady who loved math jokes seriously. They were everywhere. The only qualms I had with this class is actually with the students they don’t shut up. This is the only class where this is an issue like what, where did this come from? Don’t you want to learn? Maybe paying attention will help? I don’t know just a thought alone. My dudes how’s it going my first day of university is officially over overall, it’s a pretty good experience. I liked all my classes show it out to all the kind souls that recognized me. What’s up my dudes, I’m the weird kid that sits in the back and doesn’t say anything, but now we’re gonna go to the gym and then probably go to Staples, because I have some supplies to take care of and then I’ll see where the day takes Me, but for now, that’s it and I’ll see you guys in a bit. I don’t care where you live. I don’t care what clothes you wear. I don’t care how you smell. I don’t care what planet you come from back to school. Schmoopy is the best thing ever and the best part of going back to school. I don’t care that I’m morose and mopey that I will not get a single good night of sleep for the next eight months. I want to run up my credit card with useless junk that will just sit in my pencil case and make me feel guilty for not using it and no, it doesn’t matter that I’m an adult and I should not find so much fun in such childish activities. The excitement was palpable yeah. I know I attacked staples with a vengeance not yet seen on this planet I walked in, and the scent of paper pens and backpacks filled my nostrils. What color pencil case did I want? What thickness of notebook did my heart desire? Obviously, the fattest one, I’m no rookie, I’m planning on filling up at least five notebooks worth of information. I definitely never used when buying groceries. Oh, what’s that a new backpack, perhaps actually, when I was in elementary school, my mother would buy me a different Disney Princess themed backpack before every school year. Needless to say, I was the coolest bird on the playground.
I was so cool that nobody wanted to be. My friend stupid Susie and her 64 pack of Crayola Crayons what, but eventually the deed was done. The target was annihilated. Actually what am I saying? We went to the gym. I did my thing, my very sweaty very uncomfortable thing and set all the weights to the maximum when I was done so as to intimidate the person directly after me. Fear this 100-pound 18 year old, hello, my dudes, so I just got back from the gym and it’s time for me to do a little bit of a haul and got a couple things all that will help me not fail during the school year. The first thing I got a pencil box, okay, I have a copious and unhealthy amount of Muji and I need a big, thick and sturdy box to keep them all in there. The next thing I got so here’s a thing with this agenda right. Remember the avocado one that you saw a couple seconds ago, but might have forgotten because of your short-term dementia. What that one only had a square about this big for each day for me to write my little schedules and stuff: well, guess what that wasn’t: cutting it! For me, I have a lot of things going on and they need a lot of space to write it. I got this beautiful leather-bound, one that was honestly too expensive, but here’s the catch. I’m angry about this. We’Re gonna sit and talk about this in the parking lot later you and I staple this – is an agenda for 2020. It doesn’t even work for the rest of this year and I already threw out the receipt. What am I supposed to do with it? Now? I have an agenda from the year 2020. Things are going great. Next up, I got four dumb sick notebooks. My original plan was to use one of these binders to put my notes for each classic and that’s what I did. I arrived to class with this thing and that didn’t work, because the desks they’re literally this big, whose thought of that, what it’s like one centimeter square now I can write all of my notes for every single class without feeling like I’m, going to literally open up A rift on my iPad sized debts. Oh I’m sorry, do you think we were done? No, we haven’t even arrived at the main dish. Yet my textbooks. You know, I’m not doing this. You get the idea. I spent too much money on this. My bank account she’s in life-threatening condition. You know she’s comatose urgent care, they didn’t even know what to do with her, and the final thing I got was a huge massive backpack I used to have one of these tiny, pathetic little backpacks that don’t fit anything.
Well Guess what I’m a big girl now I’m a big girl now and that’s my haul, that was a real calorie burner, Stewart’s prison kitchen You know budget cuts, so we can’t really afford niceties, but on the menu today some lettuce and meat to begin you’re, gonna burn a steak really brings out the flavors of animal suffering and then you’re gonna take this vinegar that could get you drunk and Measure out three tablespoons of it, I like to use this vinegar when I have company errands to run um herpes, oh and don’t forget it’s brother, it’s made of blood or so Voldemort has told me anyways at this point You should have what looks like apple piss and you’re, just gonna throw it on some leaves I mean you could eat those leaves by themselves, but last time I checked to be aren’t cows unless you identify this one in that case to each their own I won’t judge this is when I blocked out and found some ricotta in the back of my fridge I don’t really know how long it’s been there, but I decided to put it on my salad, which now that I’m watching this back makes me gag Didn’t Gordon Ramsay teach you battery you imbecile, but I didn’t stop I suddenly had the awful idea to also put it on that steak What the heck is this you idiot nobody’s gonna eat that abomination What the heck are you thinking, then? You have to serve this thing to your minions This is mine She left one time and came back blonde and I have no idea where she got that done Cuz It looks horrendous It’s like a pile of dry hay I’m not paying, for that I mean she ate it She’Ll eat anything One time I served her my boot and she thought it was celery How does one even do that? Where does the line get blurred between boot and celery? The crunch isn’t the same Throw a boo evening that, and that’s all the time we have for today, gents I’ll see you in Neverland be careful with Peter Pan He screams peace, so it is with a heavy heart and a wrapped up head that I declared the day over today Today was a good day: lots of things happened, lots of things went down to be frank with you I think the fact that things are going to be like this for the next four years hasn’t really hit me Yet you know, but anyways I’m gonna go to bed now it’s way past my bedtime and I have to wake up tomorrow and do all this again I hope you enjoyed this I hope you had fun stay, funky, stay spunky and stay spicy and I’ll see you in the next one toodles my dudes